Let’s face it, having kids is demanding – physically and emotionally.
This, together with all the other pressures of life, puts pressure on your marriage.
And the first thing to suffer is your sex life.
How do you keep this part of your relationship alive when you are too tired, too busy, too stressed?
By being intentional.
You have to find ways to make sex happen, or it won’t.
Here are some ways you can be intentional about your sexual relationship as a couple:
While this may sound boring and lacking spontaneity, if you don’t plan for it, when are you going to make love? In 20 years’ time once the kids leave home? Believe me, you’ll regret that – if you still have a marriage by then. If you can’t find time for sex then cut something else out of your schedule so that you can make love.
Studies show that while men assent to the idea of sharing chores, on the whole, they are not helping out
“For a woman, foreplay is all about commitment. It’s about having a strong man who jumps in when she needs help… Gentlemen, whenever you say, ‘Honey, what can I do to help?’ you’re making love to your wife.”Dr Kevin Leman, Have a New Sex Life by Friday, pg 40
Kiss intentionally in the morning before you leave for work, send your spouse a message during the day that hints at what’s to come later, leave a note for your spouse where you know they’ll find it. These are little things that don’t take much effort, but mean much.
Allow yourself to enjoy thinking about it. Dress in a way that makes you feel attractive or wear special underwear that you know your husband likes. Give yourself permission to be sexual and remind yourself that you are more than just a mom. You are a woman. Remind yourself of how good sex is for you:
With a list like this, how can you say no?!
This is like having fast food to tide you over until you are able to have a good meal. You don’t want this to be the standard fare though, so be sure to schedule
It will help you both relax and get in the mood. Women need a lot of non-sexual touch. She may not be in the mood at all, but with some cuddling and talking the desire for intimacy will likely surface.
Make it a priority. Plan to go to bed earlier or make love in the morning. Morning sex is a good idea as you get older, since men’s testosterone levels are higher in the morning, making everything work better.
If your kids are staying up too long you are not giving yourselves time to unwind and relax before you go to bed yourselves. Start a new routine – even if it means they are required to be in bed but allowed to be awake and reading a book. This will give you time to catch up on yourselves, unwind, and talk as a couple. (Switch off that TV!)
If a woman doesn’t feel safe from interruption or discovery she will struggle to “let go” and enjoy sex. This may be the subconscious reason she is avoiding it.
Because play is innocent, you can do it in front of the children, but it will boost the sexual energy between you. This will play out (‘scuse the pun) later in the bedroom. Experts used to say that it’s important for a woman to do relaxing things – like taking a bubble bath – so that she can be in the mood for sex. These days they’re saying that excitement is better than relaxation for a woman’s arousal. Doing something stimulating – like playing or exercising or laughing – works better to get her in the mood. (Read 4 Ways to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage for more on playing together.)
Marriage is the primary relationship in the home, and sex is a vital part of that relationship so make sure you are prioritising it. You will find yourselves drawn closer to each other, more in love, and better able to cope with the stresses of life.
Was this helpful? What can you do to make sex happen in your marriage? Leave a comment below!