10 Ways to Make Sex Happen When You Have Kids

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Let’s face it, having kids is demanding – physically and emotionally.

This, together with all the other pressures of life, puts pressure on your marriage.

And the first thing to suffer is your sex life.

How do you keep this part of your relationship alive when you are too tired, too busy, too stressed?

By being intentional.

You have to find ways to make sex happen, or it won’t.

Here are some ways you can be intentional about your sexual relationship as a couple:

1.Schedule sex.

While this may sound boring and lacking spontaneity, if you don’t plan for it, when are you going to make love? In 20 years’ time once the kids leave home? Believe me, you’ll regret that – if you still have a marriage by then.  If you can’t find time for sex then cut something else out of your schedule so that you can make love.

2. Men, help with home chores.

Studies show that while men assent to the idea of sharing chores, on the whole, they are not helping out any more with household chores than 100 years ago.  Sex begins in the kitchen, gentlemen.

“For a woman, foreplay is all about commitment. It’s about having a strong man who jumps in when she needs help… Gentlemen, whenever you say, ‘Honey, what can I do to help?’ you’re making love to your wife.”

Dr Kevin Leman, Have a New Sex Life by Friday, pg 40

3. Keep the romantic energy alive throughout the day.

Kiss intentionally in the morning before you leave for work, send your spouse a message during the day that hints at what’s to come later, leave a note for your spouse where you know they’ll find it.  These are little things that don’t take much effort, but mean much.

4. Ladies, choose to think about sex during the day.

Allow yourself to enjoy thinking about it. Dress in a way that makes you feel attractive or wear special underwear that you know your husband likes. Give yourself permission to be sexual and remind yourself that you are more than just a mom. You are a woman. Remind yourself of how good sex is for you:

  • Boosts mood
  • Boosts your immune system
  • Boosts your libido (Don’t feel like sex? Have more sex!)
  • Lowers blood pressure
  • Helps to balance hormones
  • Provides pain relief
  • Helps you sleep better
  • Eases stress

             With a list like this, how can you say no?!

5. Enjoy a “quickie”.

This is like having fast food to tide you over until you are able to have a good meal. You don’t want this to be the standard fare though, so be sure to schedule time for prolonged love-making.   

6. Take time to cuddle and talk.

It will help you both relax and get in the mood. Women need a lot of non-sexual touch. She may not be in the mood at all, but with some cuddling and talking the desire for intimacy will likely surface.

7. Don’t leave love making for the last thing to do for the day.

Make it a priority. Plan to go to bed earlier or make love in the morning. Morning sex is a good idea as you get older, since men’s testosterone levels are higher in the morning, making everything work better.

8. Get your kids to bed earlier.

If your kids are staying up too long you are not giving yourselves time to unwind and relax before you go to bed yourselves. Start a new routine – even if it means they are required to be in bed but allowed to be awake and reading a book. This will give you time to catch up on yourselves, unwind, and talk as a couple. (Switch off that TV!)

9. Put a lock on your bedroom door.

If a woman doesn’t feel safe from interruption or discovery she will struggle to “let go” and enjoy sex. This may be the subconscious reason she is avoiding it.

10. Find ways to play together.

Because play is innocent, you can do it in front of the children, but it will boost the sexual energy between you. This will play out (‘scuse the pun) later in the bedroom. Experts used to say that it’s important for a woman to do relaxing things – like taking a bubble bath – so that she can be in the mood for sex. These days they’re saying that excitement is better than relaxation for a woman’s arousal. Doing something stimulating – like playing or exercising or laughing – works better to get her in the mood. (Read 4 Ways to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage for more on playing together.)

Marriage is the primary relationship in the home, and sex is a vital part of that relationship so make sure you are prioritising it. You will find yourselves drawn closer to each other, more in love, and better able to cope with the stresses of life.  

Be intentional!

Was this helpful? What can you do to make sex happen in your marriage?  Leave a comment below!

About The Author

Jennifer Lovemore

Jennifer has diplomas in relationship counselling and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), is a certified SYMBIS facilitator, and is certified in TPM (Transformation Prayer Minsitry). She lives in South Africa, has three grown children, and is married to her best friend – Richard.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Tamarynn | 18th Jul 19

    Such an insightful article. After a day filled with so many kids activities as well as the regular housework, it’s hard to think of sex. Kinda feels like an extra chore. Look forward to implementing your suggestions.

  2. How to get Comfortable Talking about Sex with your Spouse - Love More to Live | 20th Jan 21

    […] 10 Ways to make Sex Happen when you have Kids […]

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