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Last week we talked about how men can help their wives become attracted to them. Today we’re talking about things women can do to help themselves be more attracted to their husbands sexually.
Let’s get on with it then…
The media has led women to believe that if we don’t function sexually like a man then there’s something wrong with us. The movies portray women as always eager for sex and instantly aroused, and because we don’t experience sexuality that way we may assume that we are just not attracted to our husbands or there is something wrong with us (or them!).
Women (and their husbands) need to learn how their sexuality works.
Let’s take a look at 12 things women can do to help themselves regain their attraction to their husbands.
(Please note that I’m assuming that you are not in an abusive relationship or that one of you is having an affair or that there are other major troubles in your marriage.)
Sex is not just for your husband. It’s for you too. Allow yourself to embrace it, enjoy it, revel in it. There is nothing cheap or low about enjoying pure sex within marriage. It is God’s gift to you both.
For a woman desire or arousal very seldom happens before sex, but it should happen when you choose to engage with your husband sexually. Most women initiate sex with their husbands because they want to feel close to them or to fix an argument, but only sometimes to fulfil a desire for sex.
Ladies, you don’t have to be aroused to respond to your husband’s advances or to initiate. But, that desire should definitely follow your choice to be intimate with him. If not, you may have a hormonal issue or there may be something else preventing you from “letting go” and enjoying it.
Just as you’d like your husband to make time to be with you, adjust your schedule so that you can meet his needs. Slow your life down. Learn to say no to things. Get your kids to bed earlier or get them into their own beds of they sleep with you. Get rid of time stealers (think: Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram etc. I’m not against these but if they are keeping you from getting your other stuff done so that you can have time with your man then cut them out).
Some of you may be going, hahaha right now, but this is so important! As a woman you give of yourself a lot – to your kids, at work, to extended family, to friends. Make sure you have some time to catch up on yourself so that you can give to your man. After all, he is your most important person! (I wish I’d learned this sooner. I struggled to give because I was so tired from the demands of motherhood. It felt like everyone wanted a piece of me and I didn’t have time to be me for a bit! My husband’s desire for intimacy felt like just another demand).
If that makes you uncomfortable, get over it! (I mean that nicely :)) If you are married it is ok to think about sex – with your husband. Plan for it. Prepare yourself for it – wear something that makes you feel attractive, send a flirty text to your husband during the day. Allow yourself to think about the beautiful, passionate times you’ve had together. Daydream about your husband.
This sounds like a contradiction to the previous point. It’s not meant to be. Sometimes we do think about sex but then we think, “Well, maybe I better not send that flirty text because I don’t want to commit myself to something I might not feel like later”. Or “Maybe it’s making myself cheap to initiate”. Stop! Don’t persuade yourself out of being intimate with your husband. Sometimes it’s ok to stop thinking and just do. Your husband will be delighted. J
Abuse, wrong thinking (sex is dirty), it’s too painful, all impact your sexual experience negatively. A friend once told me that if she could be married – but without sex- she would be happy. (She has a history of sleeping with several men before marriage and then had a sexually abusive husband.)
Oh help! God designed sex to be an important part of marriage. It should not be absent! There are too many marriages where sex is not happening because of past abuse. Take ownership of your issues and get help – go for counselling, get medical help, change your attitude – but do something. There are men out there suffering because their needs are not being met. (I know women are suffering too because their needs are not being met, but this post is about sex.) Not only are the men suffering but women are suffering too because their sex-lives are not functioning. And remember, sex is for women too.
Sex, for women, is mostly in our minds and has a lot to do with emotional connection. If you are focusing on all the negative things about your husband then you will be less attracted to him. Make a list of things you appreciate about your husband and read it every day. Start looking for the good in him. Thank him for the things he does for you. Your feelings will follow your thoughts.
Learn to give even when you don’t feel like it. Learn to put aside your own needs at times and meet those of your husband. This is a time when it is definitely more blessed to give than to receive. The times that I have chosen to meet my husband’s need in spite of my lack of interest have been some of the best intimate times with him.
Get enough sleep. Eat well. Get some exercise – even a little will make you feel better about yourself. If you don’t have time for extended gym workouts, 15 minutes a day of walking or weights or toning exercises will make you feel better about your body and more attractive. And when you feel more attractive you are likely to be more interested in sex! If necessary have your hormones checked to see if something’s out of whack and affecting your libido.
Your husband needs to see your body, even though you don’t look like a supermodel. (If he says you should then he’s not being fair to you. Nothing will break down a woman’s ability to respond sexually more than if her husband criticizes her body. Aaaah, I should have said that to the men, right?) Learn to dress in a way that flatters your body shape. Come to terms with your lumps and bumps and learn to appreciate the good parts of your body.
If you are feeling disconnected tell him you need some time to talk. Invite him to go for a walk with you or arrange a date where you can have some connection time. Communicate your needs. Men are not mind-readers. J
Sex in marriage is not optional. It is a bonding, connecting experience that God designed to bring pleasure to both husband and wife. If your sexual relationship is not working I urge you to do something about it.
If this post has resonated with you here’s one great thing you can do:
Check out Sheila Wray Gregoire’s Boost Your Libido Course. Do yourself and your husband a favour and invest in this area of your marriage.
This 10 part video course deals with all the issues involved in libido. The worksheets will help you to actively think and work through the lies and challenges you face in this area. It may well set you free from wrong thinking that has held you back for years!
Think how great it would be to understand your body and embrace your sexuality!
Go here to get the course.
What do you think? Did I leave something off this list? Was this helpful to you?